Are you a woman swooning over some Muzalicious hottie? This post is for you.

I’m not pulling any punches here. Depending on who you are and where you’re coming from, you need to know what you’re up against or down with.

Everything that follows applies to men who self-identify as Muslim. An insistence on maintaining the Islamic label suggests some level of attachment. This attachment to Islam could be religious or cultural. It could be nominal or substantive. The attachment might be out of fear, love, or even confusion. The point is that he calls himself a Muslim, you’ve entered one another’s orbit, and we will presume some level of mutual attraction.

Non-Muslim Women

You either like a challenge or you like being used. There’s not a whole lot of middle ground here.

Ask him why he’s Muslim. If there is any uncertainty or you sense an apologetic or dismissive tone in his explanation, you’ve met a coward, a lecher, or both. The lack of confidence in who he claims to be is either meant to bait you into exploring deeper intimacy with him by diminishing what you might otherwise perceive as a barrier, or else he’s given up on his faith and is afraid of his mom.

A religious life requires practice. The religious person chooses to abide by an ancient and immutable code, leaving behind some things and embracing others, often in opposition to prevailing cultural norms. The acolyte does not care for fashion. We approach the Infinite through actions that are timeless.

A man grounded in his identity as a Muslim will not spend time alone with you. Your encounters will be public. You will meet his parents. A Muslim man is not private with his social contracts because he understands that accountability requires scrutiny. If you are open to this, enjoy. You might not swap spit, but you will exchange ideas. You’ll have conversations.

It might work out, or he’ll ruin you for other men because you will experience what it is like to be taken seriously. No games. Clear intentions. He understands that he is sacred, you are sacred, and everything that transpires between you is instructive. You can only grow.

But we are not all grounded. Some of us flounder, and although you may find the advances of an untethered Muslim man flattering, you’re missing the red flag.

If he identifies as Muslim and he is willing to compromise the core social ethics which attend that identity, you don’t stand a chance. You will be used for your company and your body. When you’re ready to get serious, he will panic. He simply hasn’t developed the skills to do anything other than move in concert with easy feelings. You are not Muslim and when you are ready for next steps he will have a number of very difficult conversations ahead of him, with his parents, your parents, and his faith community.

He didn’t sign up for difficult. You were easy, a distraction from his existential musings and a release for his masculine tension. There are only two ways for him to address this:

His way or the highway.

If he doesn’t disappear, he will ask you to become Muslim so that he doesn’t have to upset his parents. He will shift the existential burden onto you, and if you don’t bite it’s over.

If you find yourself in this situation, cut and run. It’s better for both of you. Even if you embrace his faith, as a woman of integrity you will have little respect for him. Too much water under the bridge.

Some uncertainty about identity and spiritual trajectory is normal for younger men. If your prospective partner is in his late teens or early twenties and from a Muslim family, but styles himself only as some kind of “seeker,” be warned. You are dealing with a lack of maturity.

If you decide to invest early, you’re taking an enormous risk. If there is significant familial and social gravity pulling him deeper into his Islamic roots, your relationship will be called into question as he matures. It may be that your own identity is malleable enough to partner with him as he begins to more fully embrace religious life. That could be nice. You’ll both need some distance to recalibrate, though. Prepare for a break.

Of course, women mature earlier than men. All of his new “discoveries,” late as they are, might just annoy you. If so, let him down easy.

Muslim Women

See above, especially the part about keeping things public. There’s no privacy until after the wedding. A man unwilling to keep to the courtship protocols of your shared faith is impulsive and inconstant and will make a lousy life partner.

But if you think you got one of the good ones, ask him how much he’s put away for your dowry. You are entitled to any reasonable request.

He will either pay it, or save up for it, or decide that you are not the investment that he wants to make. That’s fine, but if he shames you for asking or his family paints you a profiteer, walk away knowing that you have dodged a bullet.

I don’t have too many warnings for Muslim women. If you’re reading this, you know as much as I do about the men in our community, but here are a list of things to consider if you’re interested in someone.

Talk to him about divorce. There is a whole chapter in the Qur’an about it and he should be familiar with what is expected if things don’t work out. Is he open to marrying a divorced woman? Tease out the biases early. We all want what we want, but be on the lookout for discriminatory views that stigmatize people for an outcome that is a recognized possibility in every married relationship.

Ask him what he thinks is a fair severance package. Is he open to you initiating a divorce? Does he sympathize with men who hold their wives hostage by refusing to religiously dissolve the marriage? What are his thoughts on counseling and mediation with family or professionals?

Ask him about his thoughts on polygyny. It’s permissible, perhaps even preferable in some cases. But it may not be what you are looking for so air this out early, understanding that circumstances change and so may his views.

Ask him about his relationship with pornography, though if he is not currently viewing pornography, it’s none of your business. Neither should you feel compelled to share your past sexual history.

Get your father involved early. Men will see things in other men that you might miss. If your father isn’t around, leverage your uncle, your brother, or the men in your community. Dust and Tribe stages a number of coed adventures to strengthen the platonic bonds between sexes for this very reason. We need to look out for each other.

Sign up for one. You might meet someone nice.

It’s late and I’m sure there are some more things we should all be looking out for when it comes to Muslim men, but I’m a bit foggy. Do us a favor and share your tips and warnings in the comments below.

And don’t trip. I’ll be warning you all about Muslim women real soon.

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