My wife and I were recently discussing the Islamic institution of polygyny, the permission granted by God Most High allowing Muslim men the option of marrying up to four wives simultaneously. We traded various scenarios, both historic and contemporary, where we felt the practice simply made sense.

We’re going to share some of that here, with a bit of amateur psychology thrown in for consideration and expansion.

Unwarranted Shame

Polygyny in our tradition has, unfortunately, accrued shades of the taboo. I have my personal suspicions, but we cannot say with conviction how this came to be, seeing as it was the practice of the noblest of men, our blessed Prophet, may God’s peace and blessings be upon him. And although many Muslim luminaries after him also expanded their households across multiple women, the institution has remarkably fallen into a state of disrepute.

There were abuses, of course. There always will be in any arrangement that sees fit to dismiss the balancing weight of social participation. We do not gather at weddings only to eat cake and catch bouquets. We are there, first and foremost, to act as witnesses. We are there to recognize and maintain the boundaries established by the contract. We are there to hold the married parties accountable to the agreements made in our presence. And in responding to the invitation, we are pledged to remain as advocates for the married parties as their relationship evolves.

It’s a lot of responsibility, and most of us aren’t actually interested in doing anything other than eat cake. When problems arise in marriage, what we have witnessed most often is social withdrawal. The couple pulls away, not at all trusting that the larger Muslim community will be sympathetic to their difficulties. This instinctive recoiling is mirrored by the community, which similarly pulls away in a bid, perhaps, to avoid taking sides. The generation of factions is virtually inevitable, however, as respective families rally behind their party, demonizing the other and sowing bitter seeds of enmity throughout their larger social circles.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Marital challenges invite conversation and communal problem solving. We all have a stake in promoting a good outcome where care and respect are maintained. Our shared investment is in the example such hopeful outcomes provide for future generations, the young people whose attitudes are largely framed by the actions of their elders.

Arriving at a good outcome for the distressed couple must involve a consideration of all possibilities, including two that, although addressed and sanctioned by God Himself, we collectively choose to ignore as honorable solutions: divorce and polygyny.

Heartbreak

The reality is that most of us are not interested in solving problems. We’re much more interested in maintaining illusions, and so we will only ever consider options that we imagine will put us back in alignment with our daydreams.

We need to get over that.

Life for the Muslim is nothing but the perpetual shattering of illusions. Once we’ve identified that God is our sole aim and purpose, we’ve exposed ourselves to the certainty that this notion will be tested.

Do the people reckon that they will be left to say ‘We believe,’ and will not be tried?

Q29:2

These trials show up for many of us as loss: innocence, wealth, family, friends, spouses, our youth, beauty, health, identity, and even our faith. With the inevitability of our graves looming ever larger before us, how much sense does it actually make to invest in our illusions?

We’ve got work to do, namely the work of affirming God’s Sovereignty through our actions. Anything that furthers this intent is absolutely a solution. If ending a marriage through divorce helps to maintain God’s Limits, then we do so, separating with kindness as is His Mandate.

Similarly, if we’ve got a problem that the taking of more than one wife might solve, then we need to put that option on the table.

And boy do we have problems.

Pragmatism

Population decline is the bogeyman that a majority of industrialized nations are currently contending with. Healthcare costs for an aging population is expected to outpace the gross domestic product of a shrinking labor force. This is a recipe for social collapse (which is happening anyway), and the fix most often kicked around is immigration. Not the worst idea, but the energy and expense of bringing people in, socializing them, and understanding that some part of their earned revenue is almost certainly going to be sent overseas renders the plan less than ideal.

The industrialized world is enamored with technology and we can all anticipate that an AI powered workforce is being planned and built to head off the population crash. This is a terrible idea and already a source of existential nightmares for most sane people. But it’s the kind of corner you back yourself into when you decide that the practice of polygyny is untenable, as with this Muslim feminist paper published in collaboration with the United Nations and funded by the Swedes, a country also experiencing precipitous population decline.

More wives equals more opportunity for children. It’s a pretty straightforward equation.

Domestic abuse by men is another issue that we believe may be mitigated through the wider practice of polygynous marriage. In a healthy, public, and communally-sanctioned version of the arrangement, the advocacy of sister-wives and their extended families can act as an in-house check, protection, and shelter against a husband’s physical, financial, emotional, and/or sexual mistreatment.

There are economic benefits to polygyny. “Disparity” is a huge buzzword, with taxation of the rich kicked around in politically progressive circles as some kind of great equalizer. And were it not for the interminable creativity of accountants to the uber-rich, it might be.

But we can’t forget the role that small, ethical businesses and healthy marriages may play in the redistribution of wealth. Assuming an affluent husband, polygyny can be a means of distributing his wealth across several families while also incubating that wealth within his expanded household. Not all of his wives may be interested in or capable of birthing children which allows for the possibility of multiple persons sharing in the responsibility of childcare. This frees up time for all to pursue advanced education, certifications, and the establishment of one or more businesses.

Sexual mismatches are a very real concern in traditional Muslim marriages that do not allow for premarital experimentation. In many cases, time, an open mind, and compassionate communication can resolve these challenges admirably. We suggest that couples wait at least three years before having children for this reason. We need time to get to know each other.

However, in those more intractable bedroom situations not amenable to improvement, divorce may be reasonably and honorably considered. This is particularly true in situations where a woman’s libido or inclinations cannot or will not be matched by her spouse. The opportunities for sexual expression in our tradition are limited, and if this is a priority for someone they need to be given every opportunity to explore this facet of themselves. Although sensitive, we cannot allow shame to creep into our assessment of these important dynamics. And if it is the husband who’s needs are not sufficiently gratified, in addition to the possibility of ending the relationship we should include the option of domestic expansion.

There are women in our circles who are actualized through their careers, academic pursuits, and public work. They do not feel a strong domestic calling, though they appreciate companionship as much as anyone. For such individuals, a polygynous arrangement may offer just enough of what they need without becoming burdensome.

A plural marriage is not for everybody. Going back to the example of our Prophet, may God’s peace and blessings be upon him, he remained monogamous with his first wife, Khadija, until the end of her days, may God be pleased with her. They were married for some 25 years and she was the only woman with whom he had surviving children.

Her death was a monumental loss for the Messenger, may God’s peace and blessings be upon him. We recognize his humanity even as we are awed at his rank and station, and we have witnessed many good women and men transformed by their grief. Realizations of life’s impermanence takes hold and priorities shift. Where we once chased butterflies and imagined that the adoring eyes of our beloved would be the only thing we could ever want or need, we now bristle at the naiveté of it all. We now see the opportunities that go unrecognized and ignored, or else approached with shocking inefficiency. Whether building wealth and institutions, strengthening social networks through more rigorous communal accountability, or the offsetting of regional population decline through the siring and raising of responsible children with a profound sense of the sacred, plural marriage offers some promise for those of means and so inclined.

Our dismissal of polygyny only robs such persons of an important domestic advantage that, in the current political climate, we are foolish to squander.

I know men with both the resources and the inclination, and I have seen them driven into the shadows where they now keep their “secret wives.” Altogether too concerned with public opinion, they allow themselves to be caught in a gross and unfortunate feedback loop, shamed into the underground by our collective pearl-clutching. Once hidden, the entire enterprise becomes unseemly and dark, ripe for abuse and ridicule. And so the cycle continues.

Until we break it.

We do not suggest that men should ever aspire to plural marriage. Pursuing such an arrangement out of a sense of novelty, imagined status, or pious emulation is a red flag that we hope will sufficiently minimize any prospects to the point of frustration.

But we do want Muslims to feel good and to stand tall in the exercising of all the options that God has put before us.

The world has many problems.

What are we if not the solution?

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